Do you masturbate?
If not, what does saying that word feel like to you in your body? What kind of thoughts come up for you? Does it bring up a memory of any sort?
Masturbation, according to the Merriam Dictionary online, literally means to touch or rub your own sexual organs for sexual pleasure. There’s a lot we can unpack in this sentence. I went on to look up the definition of sexual pleasure, which I was not surprised to find was not in the dictionary.
Tangent: Noah Webster, from Connecticut, is the author of the Merriam Dictionary. He was born in 1758 and graduated from Yale in 1778. He married the daughter of a wealthy man from Boston and together they had 8 children. He helped found Amherst College. He was buddies with George Washington and Benjamin Franklin. Around 1801 he began defining words that “Americans” use. His first dictionary work was published in 1806. (More fun facts you can read about him.) He helped shape and influence the beginning of the United States. But even objectively identifying words brings bias into play. And not just in the 18th century: when I googled “sexual pleasure”, the first search item that came up mentioned pain, harm, and sadism.
No wonder we are all so messed up in the head about this topic. There is no neutral, judgement-free definition of any of the words associated with masturbation or self-pleasure.
How old were you when you first masturbated to give yourself an orgasm?
I remember lying on my living room floor watching tv, with no one else around. I began exploring myself. All of a sudden there was an intense sensation, tingling, and rush of blood, and I literally could not move. I’m guessing I was around 10. I remember thinking “what in the world was that and can I do it again?” I also remember one time my mom catching me and instructing me to not do that anymore. So, from then on I had to keep masturbation to myself like it was this dark secret in my closet.
Throughout my life I’ve masturbated. I’ve masturbated while single and with my partners. The only time I cannot remember masturbating is when I was in an abusive relationship and I lost myself. Ironic? I think not.
Why is it that boys are taught that it’s okay to masturbate and part of growing up, but girls are not taught that it’s okay to masturbate?
My opinion is that our cultural norms do nothing to support girls as they transition into women (let alone as women transition into motherhood). Our society teaches women that there is something wrong with their bodies from such a young age. Our society teaches women to look for external validation (i.e. do this because men like this) and quick fixes (i.e. birth control pill). Our society teaches girls that desirability comes in unexpressed sexuality (i.e. the virgin). Our society does nothing to support the beauty, magnificence, and depth of being a woman. Our society does not support, nor teach, girls to step into the power of being a woman.
My guess is that many that have grown up in a patriarchal society truly fear the power of the pussy.
Masturbation is a path in which I am able to connect with myself and the Divine within me.
Masturbation is a practice, much like meditation, that I utilize to reflect on my life. It is an intimacy practice with myself. It has given me the space to fall back in love with every part of my body – my pussy, my hips, my boobs, my curves, everything. It allows my soul to feel my physical body and show myself gratitude and pleasure. It is a practice that energizes and relaxes me. My masturbation practice is a time for me to discover, and be reminded of, my own power.
How to start?
Plan some “me time”, and not just 30 minutes. Light some candles, put on some music and set the mood to get intimate with yourself. You’re special and you deserve a special environment. Start with looking at yourself in the mirror. And I mean looking at all of you. Take a mirror to investigate your pussy and all its beauty. Grab your favorite oil and rub it all over your body and all its curves. Do this slowly. Show your body your gratitude. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you.”
Grab a copy of the book Pussy by Mama Gena for extra support.
For the seasoned masturbater, explore DAME products.
What if I’m pregnant or postpartum?
Pregnant? Great, embrace those orgasms. Think of all the oxytocin that is being sent to your baby. Oxytocin acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. Many know it as the love hormone because it is released upon eye contact, hugs, sex, and orgasms. It is the basis for trust.
Postpartum? Use this practice to get acquainted with this evolved version of yourself. Step into this new chapter of your life. As you heal, start to embrace self-touching and observing and appreciating your magnificent, resilient body. In the beginning, all you may be able to to do is lay flat with your hands on your belly. The next time you may be able to look at your pussy in the mirror and place a hand on top of her. Every session is an intimate evolution. Use this as a gauge for when to embrace a sex with a partner again. If you cannot pleasure yourself with your own touch, then there is no reason to search for an external source or to have sex to please someone else. There are far more ways to be intimate with a partner.
This question often comes up with our immediate postpartum mamas. There is a time and place for everything. However, if you have not touched yourself, my general advice is to start there. Orgasms strengthen the pelvic floor. It is the same idea as if you cannot squat safely, then do not add a huge load. Start with self-pleasure. Then, introduce your partner’s penis or smaller sex toy. Then, only once everything has healed, you can explore adding load. Just like it may take a while to add load to your back squat this may take a while to embrace sex with penetration again and/or work up to a vaginal load.
Female Masturbation: A Self-Exploration Practice
After reading this blog, my hope for you is to embrace a masturbation aka self-pleasure practice. Pleasure is our birthright. It is said the clitoris has around 8,000 nerve endings, which some say is around twice as many as a penis. This is a grand opportunity to stimulate, get to know, and pleasure yourself. Start small, with baby steps. Touch yourself in ways that make you feel loved and radiant. Touch yourself so that you begin to feel safe in your body. Get intimate with yourself. When a woman is connected to herself and her pussy, she is operating from her soul power.
BIRTHFIT CEO and Founder@lindsey_k_mathews