The BIRTHFIT Podcast Episode 84 Featuring Lane Gauntt, BIRTHFIT Volusia County
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Hello, BIRTHFIT. This is Dr. Lindsey Mathews, your BIRTHFIT founder. Today, I have a very special guest. She is a member of our BIRTHFIT regional director tribe, Lane Gauntt. She is the regional director for BIRTHFIT Volusia County.
But before then, before we dive in to the conversation, I want to give you a few announcements. By now, all of our seminars have wrapped for the year. That means no more BIRTHFIT Professional Seminar 2017, no more BIRTHFIT Coach Seminar 2017, and the crazy freaking thing is that all of our seminars sold out in 2017. Like we cannot be more stoked about that, we cannot be more stoked to bring you more seminars in 2018, but we want to just thank everybody that we met throughout the year either at the BIRTHFIT Professional Seminar or the BIRTHFIT Coach Seminar, mainly because I don’t know if you realize how much we learn from the interactions that we have with all of you. We learn a ton. We are able to connect with each one of you and to put faces with names and just share space. Each seminar we do has its own unique special energy and I thank you all for showing up as your true authentic self and sharing your stories with us. So 2017 seminars, you’ve been super rad.
On to 2018 seminars. In January, we will be at United Barbell, which is in San Francisco. We will be hosting a BIRTHFIT Coach Seminar there. United Barbell is also home to BIRTHFIT San Francisco. You can sign up for this seminar online now. There’s still space available. The seminar is January 13th and 14th. So go sign up because at the rate we’re going, everything sells out about a month in advance. In February, so February 3rd and 4th, we will have a Professional Seminar in Atlanta, Georgia. That’s right, Hotlanta. This is sign-up should be available on the website as well. And then, February 10th and 11th will be a BIRTHFIT Coach Seminar in Houston, Texas. This will be at Behemoth CrossFit in Houston, Texas. I do believe that one is about halfway full now. So go sign up for these seminars. They fill up, prices go up, like be aware, there’s not much we can do if they fill up because space is limited, and we need all the space to move around with, hug, touch people, that sort of thing. So yeah, get your booty in there, and I hope to meet each of one of you and I will see in 2018.
All right, for all of those interested in joining the BIRTHFIT tribe, you can. If you’re interested in joining as a BIRTHFIT professional, this would be a chiropractor, a PT, an acupuncturist, a nutritionist, a doula, an OB-Gyn or a midwife, you can do this by attending a BIRTHFIT Professional Seminar and then submitting your application within 30 days. It’s the same thing, same kind of protocol for a BIRTHFIT coach. You will need to attend the BIRTHFIT Coach Seminar and then submit your application within 30 days.
Now, if you want to be a extremely involved and have all the responsibility and able to use the BIRTHFIT trademark, then you will need to apply to be a BIRTHFIT regional director. All regional director applications are due by December 1st. So, December 1st, write that down. Check online, go to the tab that says Regional Directors, and underneath it there’s a little other tab that says “Become a Regional Director.” Click on that and there you will find all the information. You will need to gather all your things that you’re submitting, and put in a Google Docs folder with your first and last name on it, hyphen, regional director application. You will share this folder with firstname.lastname@example.org. So get everything together and submit it by December 1st. Regional director applications are due by December 1st every calendar year, and every calendar year, I always get somebody at some time in December that says, “Oh, I missed the date.” There’s not much I can do, so write that down. December 1st, regional director applications are due.
Those are the biggest announcements I have. In the meantime, if you could, if you could show us some love, go to iTunes, give us a rating, we would greatly appreciate that. And then, yeah, show us some love on social media, give us any feedback. We are constantly trying to improve ourselves to put out better information, better experiences, and just serve women in the motherhood transition as best we can. So we love feedback and we look forward to hearing from you.
So, now, you have a beautiful discussion with the one and only, Lane Gauntt of BIRTHFIT Volusia County. I hope you enjoy this.
Welcome officially to The BITHFIT Podcast. Give a little intro to the audiences to who you are and what you do.
Lane: Okay, awesome. So thanks for having me on. My name is Lane Gauntt. I am the BIRTHFIT regional director for Volusia County here in Florida. I own a CrossFit gym here. I work with lots of female athletes in the postpartum, prenatal, even some preconception periods, which is awesome. I love doing it. I am also an aspiring chiropractic student myself, so I’m kind of segueing into that as well. I’m a mom of soon to be two girls, one two-year-old and one little one coming in February, so pretty exciting, lots of balls in the air.
Lindsey: Yeah, love the moving part. Oh, my goodness. So where is Volusia County for those that don’t know where exactly that is?
Lane: Sure. So Volusia County is about 60 miles east of Orlando. That’s the big marker. Or you’ve got Daytona Beach, which I hate saying, but, yeah, I think everyone thinks of like ’90s spring break, but fortunately, that’s the other landmark for us. But yeah, so Daytona Beach, Orlando, Central Florida, right here on the coast. It’s so pretty.
Lindsey: So how were you all with the hurricanes?
Lane: Totally fine. Actually, we lucked out.
Lindsey: Oh, good.
Lane: Yeah, South Florida didn’t fair too well, and then the Caribbean did not do well at all. But it’s just kind of like luck with the draw. A lot of people stay and just ride it out, hoped for the best. But when you’re pregnant, and you have all these hormones and a mom, like as soon as I heard category five, I was in the car. So I’m a total…
Lindsey: Peace out.
Lane: Yeah, I don’t like to play the odds like that.
Lindsey: No, I don’t blame you. Well, dang, I’m glad you’re safe and everybody around you is safe.
Lane: Thanks. Yeah, I appreciate that.
Lindsey: Well, one reason we wanted to have you on, and I think, I guess it was Lindsay Mumma who was like, “Get Lane on so she can talk about sex.” And I was like, “Oh, okay.”
Lane: Yeah, that’s awesome.
Lane: When you asked me, I was like, yeah, this is great. I’m like definitely really flattered, but I’m also like not sure where we’re going with it. So I’m excited for the opportunity.
Lindsey: Yeah. And I think what intrigued her as was a lot of people is your perspective, maybe that’s a better way to say it, your perspective on how you communicate having sex, maybe even what the future conversation may look like with your daughters? Because, wow, daughters, that’s crazy.
Lindsey: But yeah, if you look back, do you remember the first conversation your mom or dad or guardian at that time had with you about having sex?
Lane: Sure. As I think I mentioned before back at the summit in LA a few months ago, we were kind of talking about just different upbringings and how that inform how we think about sex and decisions we make with our bodies, birth control, what have you. And for me, it was growing up in a household primarily run by my mom, so kind of a matriarchy. And she really encouraged me to make my own decisions when came to what I wanted to do with my body. I can’t pinpoint to sit down birds and bees because that’s not really her style.
But I think a lot of it really came from me watching her not being married for a large majority of my teenage years, just watching her kind of expressing herself and having relationships and just watching her discover and kind of navigate through that on her own and then having impromptu conversations around that and just being able to kind of talk on a level playing field without ever feeling like we’re child-parent, I guess.
Lane: We’re pretty cool. It was free of like religious pressure, needing to conform to a certain set of ideals of anything like that. It was kind of just like we were all in it together. And it was weird at that time, but now, like looking back on it, I’m really thankful for it because I really feel like I got to make my own mistakes. I got to experience things kind of free of all of that like stronghold of traditional parenting maybe like in a mother-father household, which I don’t really know because it’s not what I had, but it was really kind of, like I said, a laissez-faire style of caretaking, which was like good and bad. But looking back on it definitely now, like there is a lot that I am really appreciative of.
Lindsey: Do you remember any like one or two learning experiences in which maybe you or your mom or maybe you ask the question about your body or her body?
Lindsey: Yeah. Do you remember any of those experiences?
Lane: Yeah. I haven’t really thought about that, but then like two just like kind of popped up, which is cool. So like one I think would be she had this one boyfriend that she was with for a while and we all loved him and he’s a great guy. She was always very adamant about being a mother of three girls and one boy, I’m just trying to think, a lot of siblings, but yes, three girls and one boy, she realized, felt like a great deal of responsibility to like set the right example in terms of how they interacted around us and also like how things were allowed to progress when we were all around.
So if we were visiting our dad or away and we were all there, like he was very much like he’s in our house visiting with our family and he’s on my terms, and I also felt that was so cool because it was like her turf and it was her body, and it was like my kids come first and I’m setting an example here for three young girls. So like there was no like sneaking away going upstairs, making everyone feel awkward. It was always super like everything was out there and everyone respected each other. So I just always thought that was cool, like the guys knew, and I say guys because she had multiple boyfriends throughout the years. But it was never like anyone was being disrespected, and I always thought that was cool that she made a point of that.
And then another thing, I think my sister, she’s about two years older than I am, so she was maybe 18 and I was 15 and we were just on a girls’ trip, the three of us, my older sister, myself and my mom. And she sat us down to tell us about a relationship that she had again like another really serious relationship that she had after she was married to my dad and she got pregnant, and they decided between the two of them that they weren’t going to keep the child, and so she went to have an abortion and he never came to pick her up.
So like that always resonated with me for lots of reasons just because to me it really showed like a level of transparency and trust that we had as a family and as like a real tight group of women to be able to talk about that kind of stuff, and I guess just feeling like we were at an appropriate age to really be able to like understand when five or ten years before like obviously would be inappropriate to even expect us to be able to even start to digest that kind of information. But I just thought that it showed that she was a mom, but she wasn’t a ruler. She was just like one of us and she was a normal person. She made mistakes and she wasn’t ever trying to hide anything about that.
So for me, that was big just because it was never something that we couldn’t talk about. So for me, it also opened up that as her daughter, wow, she is willing to share that with me. I don’t ever have to feel like I have to sugarcoat anything or hide things that I may not want to share with my parent because I just kind of felt like, hey, I can share with her and we’re going to still be cool.
Lindsey: Yeah. She was able to be vulnerable while still being a strong mom, it sounds like.
Lane: Yeah, and I think it was really also too like a healing thing for her to be able to share it, because before that, who would she have shared that with maybe? So for me, it just brought us so closer because we were all able to, like my sister and I are able to see her in a different way than we had before or her, and we were ready for that. She just shared her feelings of loss and grief, and we know that we would have another sibling and it wasn’t something she wanted to tell us. But she just felt like it was a good thing for us to all share together and it wasn’t a secret, but it was definitely like a circle of trust thing that I would never have expected, I guess, at that time. So it was definitely, I think, a positive thing for me as a maturing woman and also for her like as a mother like just to feel that connection do her daughters. It might not be full, but I mean it was huge for all of us.
Lindsey: Yeah, I think, yeah. So when she told you all about the abortion, because that’s a — I mean my mom actually did a very similar thing, but it’s so interesting to hear your background because we grew up with like very religious don’t have sex till you’re married, like religious rules, you know.
Lindsey: So I remember the first time my mom sat me down to talk about the birds and the bees, and I was 17 or 18 and I was like that ship has sailed like it’s too late. And then when she communicated about she had an abortion in her life, that was much later. So I think, like you said, the circle of trust was built from such a young age. I’m curious as to what types of emotions you experienced whenever she told you or communicated about the abortion because it’s not something that people talk about freely.
Lane: Right. Yeah. I mean I think for me, I never really had strong beliefs for or against abortion really. For me, I was just really like neutral when she told me, and I just really felt for her, like I was kind of coming into womanhood and thinking wow, like that’s something that I could potentially go through one day. I mean really like my heart went out to her. So I think it was maybe just because we knew where we both were in our own lives felt like it was the right time to share it, and I thinks she nailed it because it was like spot on. It wasn’t scary. It wasn’t wow, I really wish I had that brother or sister, like it wasn’t like a selfish reaction or anything like that. It was just us like letting her share and then we all kind just like processed it and move on, and we really haven’t talked about it since. We talked about it once.
Lindsey: Yeah. Because it sounded like it was dwelled upon. I mean for her it’s got to be healing, like you said, and kind of completing the circle.
Lindsey: So looking back at maybe your first sexual experiences, and you don’t have to talk about it like super in detail, but was that something you can share?
Lane: I put it in my notes. I was like I need to jot this stuff down because I’m about to talk about sex for 45 minutes, like I need to dive deep into the past here. It’s probably what you want to know.
Lindsey: So going into it, was it something that you wanted to explore your body or was it something that you felt safe and that you could communicate with your sisters and mom about? Because I know, I’m thinking about my experience, like it was super secretive, and it was almost pressured into like, okay, everybody else is doing it, I might as well do it, you know.
Lane: Sure. Yeah.
Lindsey: So it sounds like yours could be quite different.
Lane: Yeah. So I think like, this is going to maybe sound wrong, but my family always saw me as like this, like free-spirited, like wild and crazy child. So I was like it’s just a matter of time. It was like, “Just tell us when it’s happening” because they already figured it was, and it wasn’t. That was just kind of like this, like not having to feel bad or scared or like nervous about telling anybody. It was like once it was happening they were like, “Oh, yeah, we figured.” All my sisters were like, “Yeah, that’s cool.” But, no, my first time having sex was with a guy that I ended up spending five years in a relationship with. So it lasted a long time.
Lindsey: Wow, yeah.
Lane: It was really awesome. It was an awesome relationship. Actually, one of my good friends, one of my best friends that I grew up with ended up marrying him. He’s a good guy, and she’s a great girl. It’s just funny how they ended up being together and like I can totally get it, and totally I think it’s great because we had an awesome relationship and really he was just great, like kind of let me take the reins and I love that. In terms of a partner and in terms of where I was at in my life, definitely I felt ready and everyone around me felt supportive of that readiness.
Lindsey: Yeah. Okay, this is good because I almost, I feel like what do you think we need to instill or teach young women so that they I don’t want to say treat their bodies as a sacred temple, but almost, you know?
Lane: Sure, yeah.
Lindsey: Rather than the background of religion, and it’s fine if you do believe in that stuff, but for my experience and talking with other people, it’s almost like the rules, like I’m going to try to break all the rules, like that’s where I come from. My relationship didn’t last and it was heartbreaking. Well, you, it sounds like you really fostered. It was a mutual support between each other, trust and an awesome relationship.
Lane: Yeah, I am. It had its ups and downs like any teenage relationship. Of course, like I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of growing pains associated with it. When I went off to college, I was just kind of done with it.
Lindsey: Yeah, you grew.
Lane: Like I was just ready to go and experience something new, just like man, I don’t know, I feel like there’s got to be some other stuff out there I need to just try. And then if this is still what it’s supposed to be, then it will still be there. So we just kind of grew out of each other.
But I think you think about like the two opposite sides of it. It’s like you have that very strict, like just don’t have sex. I actually went to a Catholic high school and we took a course in it, and we were all looking at each other, thinking the same thing of like who are they talking to? What does this look like? Who’s the audience? Because it’s not us. Everyone in that class was having sex and it’s just, well, maybe not everybody, but I’d say, you know, 75% to 80%, or at least we’re thinking about it. So to even think that information telling you that you shouldn’t even be thinking about it was just like asinine.
Lindsey: Yeah, in denial.
Lane: Yeah, it’s crazy. And then you have like the other side of it where you’ve got girls that are just made to feel terrible about having sex especially in high school. People are just mean. And I think it really sucks that it starts from such a young age that guys are glorified for having sex and then girls are meant to feel like, “Oh, my gosh, don’t tell anyone that you’ve done that.” Or if you’ve had sex with more than a handful of people, you need to play that down because…
Lindsey: Right. Or they start slut-shaming and then a reputation is ruined. It’s wild.
Lane: It’s crazy, it’s crazy. But I’ve always been more of a keep things close to the chest kind of person, so I think back until like when I was in high school and I really didn’t share a ton with my friends about it just because I always kind of liked that, it was my own thing and it was like mine. And no one could take it from me and I didn’t want to make other people feel good, bad, or otherwise about what they were doing, or I didn’t feel a need to compare my sex to their sex, or his wiener to his wiener. I just like it wasn’t for me. So I was kind of like I just really developed a really strong relationship with my own thoughts and feelings about because I didn’t need a whole lot from other people, which I don’t know if that’s good or bad, but that was just my experience. Like I was just navigating the waters on my own and you know, I’m happy where it got me because it really like just put the emphasis on what I wanted and what I didn’t want, not necessarily what other people wanted and didn’t want.
Lindsey: Totally. Yeah.
Lane: So I think especially, being a mom of two girls now, I started thinking about this. One is not even born and the other one has just turned two, but it’s like you start thinking about that kind of stuff of like how’s their experience going to be different, and especially just the world we live in now with social media and everything like that, it’s a little overwhelming to imagine that they would be able to process and experience these things on a more private level. I don’t know.
Lindsey: Yeah. It sounded like or it still sounds like you’re very sure in who you are or were at that time.
Lane: Yes, yes, right.
Lindsey: Would that come back to your mom and dad or siblings or, what do you think are the biggest values that they taught you?
Lane: Sure. No, that’s cool because I’ve never really connected them to anything, but this is good. I don’t know. I mean I have always felt like my parents, they didn’t get along. It didn’t work out with them. But individually on their own, they’re fantastic, and I love them both. And my mom is like the nicest person you’ll ever meet but also the person that you don’t want to cross. She’s got that sweet Southern way to her. She’s from Alabama and very charming, but also very able to stand on her own two feet, which I think coming out of that, like Southern culture is very rare. But she has always made decisions and stuck behind them. Whether they were wrong or right, she’s always made a decision. She’s never looked to anybody to help her make those decisions, and that’s definitely something I learned from her probably since I was toddler age. Just make the decision, like take the first step, like swing the bat, whatever it is. Get out there, fall flat on your face, whatever you have to do, but don’t go around looking for people to hold your hand and help you figure it out. Like she had always just made decisions and I always respected that about her.
My dad, it’s funny because when we started talking about conversations, I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with him about sex because he just wasn’t a physical day-to-day part of my teenage, like that pre-teen years. He lived in New Orleans, we lived in Florida. So there was physical distance. But I always felt like I could have talked to him about things if I needed to. I just never really wanted to. I don’t know. Like I said, I just felt like a man’s opinion wouldn’t really fuel a lot for me, but maybe it would have. I don’t know. It’s hard to say.
But I just always felt like looking to women and my mom and my older sister was really all I needed because they were my two rocks. Like my sister is very dry, but she’s also very emotionally in tune. So she’s like the grandma that I never wanted. And then my mom was like always wild and fun and very spirited and life of the party, but was the person that I knew would always be there for me. So I just always felt like between the two of them, I had everything I needed.
Lindsey: For sure. Sounds like it, huh? Do you remember when your sister started having sex?
Lane: Oh, my gosh, yes. Oh, yeah, she might kill me but I don’t think [0:35:09] [Indiscernible].
Lindsey: We haven’t reached her yet.
Lane: Yeah, it’s okay, she’s not there yet. So, yeah, my sister is actually — she’s a lesbian, she’s married, been married to her partner now for going on two years.
Lindsey: Is she in Florida?
Lane: Yes, she’s in Florida:
Lindsey: Oh, okay.
Lane: Yeah, she was in New York for a while, and yeah, now she’s back in Florida. So she started having sex about the same time as I did. She was little bit more of a late bloomer. I just remember she started having sex with her boyfriend, and then I think throughout I was kind of watching her grow and evolve as a sexual person, and just watching her change throughout when she went to college, and just seeing her preferences change a little bit. But it was really cool because she never labeled herself straight, gay, or bi. She kind of just liked what she liked and just did that. And if it was a guy she liked, it was a guy she liked. Or if it was a girl she liked, like she really didn’t make any bones about it. Like she just wore her heart on her sleeve and eventually led it to where to she is now, and she found the love of her life and it happened to be a woman. I think she was always very open to it being whatever it was, but she just wanted like real raw love. So that was always cool for me because every partner she had was just really genuinely being there and with her, and they just had these awesome guitar jam sesh like pot, smoke, incense burn. I don’t even know, but I was like, that’s rad, that’s cool. And whatever she’s doing, like that’s awesome. So when she was in high school, college, she definitely explored. And it was just me. It was cool to have an older sister that was just so open.
Lane: Yeah, we’re an interesting household.
Lindsey: I was jealous in you all’s house.
Lane: Oh, my God.
Lindsey: Do you feel like either your experiences or experimentation, whatever you want to call it definitely makes you a better lover, wife, mother, person now?
Lane: Yes, definitely. Not a wife.
Lindsey: More on mother.
Lane: Yes. I feel like that is something that I feel strongly about too. It’s like if I want to be a wife, then that’s a choice I want to make, and definitely would do it with a whole lot of intention. So we’re kind of doing things backwards, but I’m so happy with it because it’s like I don’t want to put extra added pressure on something that really I don’t feel like is super necessary to accomplish the things I want to accomplish as a family and as a couple right now. So, yeah, so I think for sure that’s helped me like just feel like even that decision is totally justified because that’s what I want, and I don’t really give a shit what anybody else thinks about that.
So as a partner, through all my experiences, high school, college, and even after I graduated, just allowing myself to have lots of different types of partners without fear of judgment has allowed me to learn a lot about myself and what I like and what I don’t like. I wouldn’t know any of that if I didn’t allow myself to have those experiences. So I feel like now I can really share those things and have my own voice and occupy space confidently and communicate those things to him and vice versa, like I’m all about it, like tell me what you like, tell me what you don’t like, and let’s meet in the middle.
Lane: We don’t need to get carried away one way or the other, but like I think it’s all about those open lines of communication, and like people just saying, like what they want. I think that’s a huge step in the right direction for any couple is just to open up the dialogue and trust. That’s been huge. Through pregnancy and then postpartum after I had my daughter, everything has been a little bit different. It always will be, but it’s just kind of learning how to evolve with that and like make it fun. For us, it’s been a really cool ride. It’s been fun.
Lindsey: Yeah. So wait, your daughter is two or three?
Lane: So she just turned two.
Lindsey: So how would you say you bring sexy back postpartum? Everybody, they’re like, “I’m never having sex again.” They say that like two weeks postpartum. And then they’re like, oh, I just cleared for sex postpartum and it’s six weeks, and then the first intercourse or whatever happens and it’s oh, that was painful. I don’t know if want to do that again. I mean these are all things I hear or read in the inbox and I’m like, oh dear. There are so many emotions and everything attach to this.
Lane: Totally, yeah. It’s an interesting time, that’s for sure. I mean so I guess for me, it really started and it never really stopped, but I’m like all about self-exploration. Catch my drift? So I think like if more women kind of started there, that might be what segues into wanting their partner to be part of that because I think you can reconnect with yourself or maybe even hopefully never lose that connection just with you and yourself and finding pleasure without a man or a woman or whatever your relationship is. But I mean for me, I think especially postpartum, and I read it was funny because I went on the BIRTHFIT website. I was like, okay, what do they have out there that’s about sex? And I’m like looking on the blog, and I think the only thing I saw was what was it that you had posted? It was of feminine touch, but it was cool because I just realized like man, there is really nothing out there about this.
So I wanted to share that I think a lot of times we put a lot of emphasis on what your partner can do for you, but there’s so much that you can do for yourself. Unfortunately, like in our society, I think masturbation just gets glorified for men and it’s like totally taboo for women, but it doesn’t even have to be that. Like maybe it is that, but I think like through just maybe dancing naked or just spending time naked. I love walking around my house naked. People probably want me to put clothes on, but I just like don’t. I just don’t. I don’t know. I don’t like sleeping with clothes on. I just love being naked. I’ll put clothes because I have to go outside and I understand that’s a rule. But I mean for me, that’s just totally normal. No matter like how big my body gets when I’m pregnant, I always feel good naked, and I don’t know why. Sometimes close can just make you feel like they’re tight or they just don’t look right, and you get so into like how they look. Versus like when you’re naked, you start to just see things all the time and they become like well, that’s mine, like okay, that’s cool. It’s getting bigger. Or yeah, that was a lot bigger before. So now like damn, I look good. I mean I remember walking around in those underwear they gave me. They were like the ones where you have…
Lindsey: Oh, the mesh?
Lane: Oh, God, they’re awful, like the high-waisted. Awesome. And I was like so pumped on wearing those around the house because it just felt like this is amazing, like I felt light as a feather. Even though Mark was like, “It’s just really nice to see walk around the house in your underwear and like you look good.” And I was like, “Damn right, I do.” That’s awesome. It was like yeah, it was almost like to me I wouldn’t have known that things had changed because I got a chance to see them change so gradually. It wasn’t like, oh my God, I took my clothes off and stood in front of the mirror for the first time. It’s like I got to like watch it evolve. So I was just like part of it and then I was like oh, here I am today enlightened. It’s good.
Lindsey: That’s so powerful like what you just said about I got to watch myself evolve and it wasn’t just a shock one day. I think that’s like being naked and being comfortably naked is so key, especially for women. Like when we talk to a postpartum women, like some of the exercises we give them are to like look in the mirror naked, find one thing you love about yourself. For some women, that’s the first time they probably looked at their naked body in months.
Lane: Yeah. Their reaction to that exercise is always so interesting. Some of them confess they just hate it, and I get it. Maybe from what I learned is like just to give yourself a chance to see it every day, and then just really seem like normal and beautiful and how they’re supposed to be because it’s not like I’m hiding from myself every day and then all of a sudden there it is. It’s like it’s there every day. And whether or not you want to celebrate it or just acknowledge it, like sometimes just acknowledging it is all you need, like not everyone celebrates their body every day. But like just to be aware. It can be like really cool and I just think sometimes it just gets blown out of proportion of like what you’re expecting, these drastic changes. But if you experience it on a regular basis, I really feel like you give yourself a chance to kind of understand and just digest the changes that are happening and like they serve a purpose and it’s really cool.
Lindsey: Yeah. So much respect for the body.
Lindsey: This may be a random question but —
Lane: Okay, cool.
Lindsey: I’m all for masturbation. How long should a woman wait or did you wait, or after birth, like what would you say is appropriate?
Lindsey: That’s a question people…
Lane: No, like I’m just not sure like the rating on this podcast. So I’m just like not sure what I…
Lindsey: It’s explicit.
Lane: Okay, great, so late night edition. So I just feel for me, it was like something that I allowed and gave myself to do as like a little treat like later on in pregnancy towards the end. Maybe my partner wasn’t like as jazzed about sex as I was because you can’t get into this intriguing position easily, and they aren’t experiencing your body on a daily basis like you are. So even though I may have always been up for until the very end, like he started to slow down a little too because he’s like oh, my gosh, the baby is right there, and there’s that whole thing going on for the guy, which I don’t get at all. Yeah.
Lindsey: I’m going to poke baby’s head. No, I think baby’s cool.
Lane: That’s insane. So for me, it was something that I did throughout the end of my pregnancy just because I don’t want to just pleasure a man, I still want pleasure too. I feel like what the heck. So I’m going to take matters into my own hands. It’s not only empowering, but I also feel like it’s another way to just connect with yourself and find out what you like.
Then after you have your baby, and you eventually start to get like a little more sleep and you even remember that you want to have sex, whenever that happens because it’s different for everybody, and you’re not totally exhausted, I mean I think that’s just the cool time to just like get some time to yourself and just hang out in your naked body, and like see what you’re feeling up for. And then like gradually start incorporating your partner into that. At least that’s what I found comfortable was like, okay, until I can be comfortable with myself, touching myself, then I’m not going to want him touching me. So for me, it was like that was the first step in feeling comfortable.
Lindsey: Oh, that’s so good. Yeah.
Lane: Yeah, yeah. Like I want to touch myself and I want to feel good, but I don’t know how to do that and how to communicate that to him because I don’t know if he’s going to be as gentle or as sensitive or as understanding. So it’s like I need to get a handle on what it is I’m looking for right now before I can tell him how to do it. Does that make sense?
Lindsey: Yeah. When you say that out loud, like I’m hearing this from you, and for me it’s like, oh, that is definitely a precursor or something that all women should look for before having sex again after baby.
Lane: Yeah, yeah.
Lindsey: Just like you said, it’s like how would I know what my body needs or desires or is appropriate, how soft, how gentle, that sort of thing.
Lindsey: That’s so smart.
Lane: Oh, man, I don’t know about that. But, yeah, I just felt like it’s funny because whenever we’re in a postpartum series and we ask like, okay, let’s all try to perform one act of self-love for the next time we meet and then we’ll talk about it the next time. And it’s funny because I’ll always be, I’m like, come on, someone say it, like someone just say it, and they never do. And I’m like, should I just be that icebreaker? And now, just through talking to you, I feel like damn right, I need to share that.
Lindsey: I think you are going to be the icebreaker.
Lane: Yeah. So I think so because people are like, oh, I took a bath or I went to yoga, and it could be that’s cool, but this could be like cool, you know.
Lindsey: There’s probably at least one person thinking like I masturbated, I hope that’s cool.
Lane: Right, yeah. Or like, yeah, we just don’t want to talk about it, so like I need to be that pioneer.
Lindsey: Yeah, so relevant.
Lane: Yeah, it’s so awesome. And like then from there, it’s just like, yeah, all about communicating and going slow. I think it’s really cool and this is just me, like separate of pregnancy, postpartum, all of that, like it’s really cool for your partner to see that you know what you want and it’s really like they gain a whole different sense of respect for you. I feel like as a woman and as a partner, like, wow, she knows what she wants. She can pleasure herself, but also she can communicate what she likes. So we’re not just all shooting in the dark here. We’re like this is teamwork, and everybody is getting what they want out of it. It’s not like after like, oh my God, that was just awful, and I never want to do that again. It’s like I see it as like we have the tools to change it, but we just need to connect that home first before we even know how to talk about it. Because if we’ve never done it, then we just don’t, it seems really weird to put that kind of stuff out there.
Lane: It can be really scary. What if I say I like something that he doesn’t like or she doesn’t like?
Lindsey: Right, you don’t want to be judged.
Lane: Yeah, for sure. Yeah, for sure. But I mean, I think so there’s that. And then foreplay is like huge, like for couples, you don’t even have to have sex like the first couple of times. I feel like maybe that’s what the guy is thinking, and that’s fine. But like, I think if they understand where you’re coming from and can get really on board with the idea of like maybe you guys are just together and you’re kind of doing your own thing, but if you’re appreciating each other’s bodies in like how they look and how they sound and like all those awesome senses that get in there, you don’t necessarily have to be like go with all at it.
Lindsey: Have intercourse, yeah.
Lane: Yeah. If you can kind of be together and like rediscover in a totally different way. Even if that wasn’t your norm before, it could be an opportunity to completely change the game at home, which is so cool because you kind of get to start over. It feels that way.
Lane: It feels like if sex has always been scary or it always sucked, it’s like use that time to totally like pump the brakes, take a step back and look at the whole thing.
Lane: Yes. See where you want to make changes.
Lindsey: Oh, I love this.
Lindsey: This is great information. I think you should do a webinar.
Lindsey: In 2018.
Lane: That’s so funny. Yeah, I feel like I’m rambling and I don’t know how much time we have.
Lindsey: We’re probably right at time, but there’s like three or four questions that I know that I could ask you. I’ll shoot for one.
Lane: Okay, I’ll try to get it straight.
Lindsey: What is one or two things that hope to teach your daughters as they grow up?
Lane: As it relates to sex or just as women?
Lindsey: Yeah, as women. It’s all probably sex-related. I think we’ve realized that now it is.
Lane: At this point, there’s no turning back.
Lane: Yeah. So for my girls, I would definitely encourage them to put themselves first always. That sounds selfish, but I think it’s okay because I think when you do that, you set yourself up for experiences that are going to be equally as gratifying for you as they are for the other person. It’s never this backseat approach or I’m just on the receiving end or anything crazy like that. It’s like you’re an active participant not only in the choices you make but in the few things that you want to do with your body and with your partner. So that’s huge, I think, just being selfish. It’s okay. Just do it.
Lane: Yeah. Because I think if more women were selfish when it came to sex, like we would have less fear, less shame because they would just own that experience. Like walk away like that was great. I was in the driver’s seat which I think is like awesome.
And then I would say something I think about all the time, and I have the younger sister as well, but just like birth control, without like going to into like one side or the other. I just think weighing out all the options is huge.
I think I said this at the summit, education before medication. It’s definitely like it’s something that I think it’s really important. If it’s conversations or if it’s exploration on your own, you don’t just need to get in line with everyone else because you have the first sign of acne and that means that you need to take birth control, like not at all. I think when you get into your 30s and you’re a mom and you have kids or you’re thinking about having kids, now all of a sudden, you see the impact of those types of decisions can have on your body long-term. I feel like whoa, people are just making these decisions face on this short-term of like I want to get rid of my acne or I want to get pregnant like right now. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I just think that instilling in them that the decisions that they make, whether it be with sex or with birth control, have huge long-term effects, and it’s really something that you want to think about of like what does this birth control going to do to my body 10, 15, 20 years from now and is that in line with what I might want then, which is a hard and heavy thing to think about. But I think if we start to like help people girls at a young age understand that it’s not just something you have to do or something that doesn’t come with outside effects, then we’ll have some definitions and some different conversations.
Lindsey: Yeah, it’s almost like everybody avoids the tough conversations.
Lane: Yeah, right.
Lindsey: With sex, birth control.
Lane: Yeah, you’ve got to kind of just go for it. I mean as long as you know your kids and you know when those conversations are it’s the right time to have them, I really don’t think you can go wrong. I think you can only go wrong when you just like hide it from your body, hide it from the conversation, hide it from your partner, like all that to making decisions based out of fear. And then we all know that’s not [0:03:34] [Indiscernible] place.
Lindsey: So before we get off, and mainly because I’m selfish and I want to know you opinion, but I just had a conversation with Logan about marriage and we definitely — so we’ve been together seven years, and in the last year we’ve decided to get married, but like you, we know it’s a choice. So I’m just curious as to what your thoughts are about marriage and maybe how you’re breaking societal norms there.
Lane: Yeah. I think that’s awesome, and if anyone wants to get married, I would say you and Logan, for sure. So that’s how I think about that. And I really think it’s great when you see two people get married like you guys for an example, and it’s like wow, that really makes sense. Even to somebody so far away, it’s like I can feel the importance and the beauty of your relationship all the way on the other coast. And I think when you have that depth and that connection between two people, that is a great way to decide, okay, we want to get married because we want to make that forever commitment to each other. Even though we know that we already have that forever commitment, I think there’s really something beautiful about like making it official, whatever you want to say. I think it’s really great.
Now, for me, I’ve been married before, so I’m a little bit more hesitant because I’ve just felt that pressure of it before, and to me it felt like a weight. So I’m just very like almost still in the stage of the fear, and so I don’t want to make a decision right now because I’m afraid of how it will change our relationship, even though our relationship is changing all the time. But it is like to me I want to be sure that we are where we want to be to make that jump if and when we decide it’s time to do that, and I really want my girls to be able to be part of it. We’ve talked about just waiting until they could really have an opportunity to experience it with us because we want to do it as a family unit, not just have them walk the aisle and throw flowers on the ground. We really want them to understand this is our family forever. So that’s what it means to us, but I just don’t feel rushed to do it. I don’t know. It’s like I want to and then I’m like, “No, that’s good.”
Lindsey: Yeah, I’m totally like you. Well, my mom has been married five times so I was very much like you in that I didn’t want to change us. We constantly revisited the conversation because Logan comes from a mom and dad that’s been married over three decades. So I’m like, “I don’t want to mess this up.”
Lane: Yeah. Well, I feel like you see so much of like how a marriage can change relationship for the worse. You hear stories and then it’s like so that just goes into like is that your reality or is that just stuff floating around. Everybody is different. Like I have a sister, my oldest half-sister from my dad’s first marriage, she is with her guy and they are freaking awesome. My sister is married to the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, and like I would totally marry her too. It’s like I get at it when people find that person, and I just want be damn sure that we are those people for each other, kids, no kids, whatever. Just because you have kids, in my opinion, does not mean that that has to be. Because people do it all the time and they realize well, this really wasn’t my person and we just did this because we have kids and now it’s not working and we need to get up. So it’s like we’re still kind of learning a lot about each other and so we’re just taking it day by day. I think like as long as you just can be present and do that, then married or not, you’re going to be fine.
Lindsey: Yeah, you can figure it out along the way.
Lane: Yeah, for sure, for sure.
Lindsey: I’ve loved talking to you and I probably went over, but this is great.
Lane: No, no, no, that’s awesome. I’m hearing my daughter like rumbling around, so I think that means like dinner is maybe in the making or everyone is waiting on me to make it.
Lindsey: They’re waiting outside the door.
Where can people find you at like online and social media?
Lane: They can find me on Instagram at BIRTHFIT Volusia. We also have a Facebook page, same thing, BIRTHFIT Volusia there. Yeah, so social media.
Lindsey: What’s your gym name?
Lane: Gym name, crossfit386. That’s in Port Orange. Yeah, it’s great.
Lane: Yeah. We’re definitely around and I’m excited to be involved with BIRTHFIT for many years that come and grow with you guys too. Thanks a lot.
Lindsey: I’m so glad you’re in the tribe. Yeah. I love it. I love you. You’re great.
Lane: Ah, I wouldn’t want to be in any other tribe. I only do very few tribes.
Lindsey: We made it. Yes. All right, go enjoy your family.
Lane: Thank you so much, Lindsey. I really appreciate it.
Lindsey: Yeah, I appreciate you and I’ll talk to you soon.
Lane: All right, take care. Tell Logan I said what’s up.
Lindsey: I will. Bye, Lane.
Lane: Bye, take care.
Lindsey: All right, everyone. I hope you enjoyed that conversation. I think I could have sat on I was about to say the phone, but on the microphone podcast Skype dealio with Lane for a few hours. If there’s one thing you take away from this, maybe two things, I would like to remind you what Lane has said and that’s to be selfish. I think that is really, really important as women in this world because so often we put our needs and desires as second, third or fourth in line. And I think what Lane said, when you’re putting yourself first, when you maybe are a little selfish, experiences just kind of unfold for themselves and everybody has a great experience. I think that’s very important.
The second thing would be curious. Be curious, embrace that, especially in the bedroom. And like she said, communication is key. So curiosity with communication. I think that goes a long way. Maybe the last thing, don’t be afraid to touch yourself.
Until next time. Ciao.
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